Tutorial

2.4

Look at someone

What happened in your past is vitally important, but so are other people. In Self-Rewiring we have a feature to help you identify the other people that play (or played) a role in your issues.

The influence of other people

Everyone around you influences your personality. Yes, everyone. Consider:

  • Voters for a particular party usually come from families that vote that way.
  • A person’s religion is usually the religion of their family.
  • A singer will become wildly popular in one country, but totally ignored in another.
  • A certain dish will be considered delicious in one place, and disgusting in another.

All of us have allowed ourselves to be influenced by others. Most of your (and my) opinions and preferences are really from the people around us. For this reason, we have the Look at someone feature. Let’s see how it works.

How to access this feature

On the What do I need now? menu, you click this button:

If your body chooses it, you click it and see this:

Look at someone (1 of 2)

What’s this?

We “pick up” traits, feelings, and beliefs from others all the time (especially from our parents). Sometimes these things support our issues. If you can rewire such influences, their effect on you will change. You will be free to make choices without their interference.

Male, female, or both?

  1. Test, “Reveal who I need to look at...”

How to use it

As you can see (above), the first thing you’re asked is, “Reveal who I need to look at... Male, Female, or Both.”

In this example, let’s pretend I’m doing a session and I’ve chosen “Male”. So, I click “Male” and this appears:

Look at someone (2 of 2)

Who is it?

  1. Test, Reveal the male I need to look at...”

If “Other male(s)”, think who, and ask your body if that is correct.

If a grandpa, think which one (including step-parents) then test to see if it’s him.

  1. Type what you call him/them:

Usually, if you’re looking at a male, your body wants to look at your father or stepfather. Likewise, if looking at a female, it’s usually your mother or stepmother. It’s hardly surprising! Our parents deal with us more than anyone when we are very young, so their influence is usually strongest. That’s why the “My father” option appears first among the male options!

However, your body can choose to look at anyone it wants. Occasionally your body may pick other people, such as other relatives, old friends, old schoolmates, or even “All men”! Typically, though, the parents are the most popular choice.

In this example, my body chose the “My father” option (how predictable!), and underneath I’ve typed “Dad” as the name in the box.

Then I click “ Continue”.

From now on, the What Do I Need Now menu changes name. It becomes, “Looking at “Dad”, what do I need now?” and the “Look at someone” button has also changed. It is now titled “Done with person(s)”.

Take a look:

Looking at “Dad”, what do I need now?

Test, “Reveal what I need...”

In addition, this banner appears along the bottom of the screen to help me remember that I’m looking at Dad:

Looking at “Dad”

What does it mean for the session?

Just like when looking at an age, this part of my session will all be about Dad and how his influence contributed to my personality. All techniques I do, all lists I look at, will somehow connect to him, my view of him, and my memories of him.

I’ll keep looking at him until my body chooses “Done with person(s)”.

When clicking that option, this appears:

Done with person(s)

  1. Test, “Reveal what I need to do...”
  • “Replace the person(s)” is a special technique. It allows you to imagine that the person was different and had a different influence on you, or you could even imagine having some other person in your life instead of them!
  • “Look at someone else” just takes you through the process of choosing to look at a different person instead.
  • “Look at me again” ends this sequence of looking at another person completely.

You probably have a few questions about this feature. Here are the most common ones below.

Illustration

Is what my body says about the person accurate?

Yes and no.

Yes, in that your body can accurately reveal how the person made you feel.

No, in that how you feel may not be justified.

For example, someone may feel that their stepmother was evil. But in reality, she may not have been evil, it’s just that the kid was a spoiled brat!

So, yes, your body will accurately reveal how the person made you feel, but no, in that how you felt may be mistaken.

For example, you might hate someone because it was reported to you that they said bad things about you. Yet in reality, you may have been lied to, and the person being blamed may be completely innocent.

Illustration

Is this where I can blame my parents?

Not necessarily, no.

Many psychotherapists will turn a client against their family, encouraging them to blame everyone else for everything that went wrong in their life. Their client becomes an eternal victim, with the therapist as their ally against the world.

It’s very good for business.

Self-Rewiring, however, isn’t about blaming others. Sure, sometimes other people are to blame! Perhaps you were abused or mistreated, but we do not make the entire therapy about assigning fault. That does no good. If anything, it makes you more of a victim.

We can’t change the past. We can only change your response to it, such as by helping you to see things from a different perspective, to forgive and let go. That is what Self-Rewiring is about, rewiring your response to your experiences.

We don’t wallow in the past, we don’t play a blame game.

How often would I use this feature?

The “Look at someone” feature isn’t used a lot. It is used in about 20% of sessions, but everyone is different.

Your body might choose it all the time, or your body might never choose it, there is no rule. Don’t have any expectations. If your body wants it, fine, if it never does, then that’s fine too.

What’s next

The “Look at someone” feature is very powerful. It’s not used often, but when it is, it seems to be very important.

In the next chapter, we’ll briefly go over the three categories of techniques. These help you change how you think and feel.

Chapter review

  • You are who you are because of the opinions, behaviour, and beliefs of the people around you.
  • Looking at other people allows you to change how they influenced, and continue to influence, you.
  • It’s not about playing a blame-game, but about changing your response to their influence.

Try it out

Go to the session page and pretend you’re doing a session.

Go through the process of looking at someone else, and see who your body chooses.

Take the opportunity to look at the “Replace the person(s)” feature, too.